S-Mother

Monday, September 28, 2009

I like to think of myself as an independent sort of Mom. I don't look to my kids to make me feel good. I don't follow them around all day. I expect them to entertain themselves and don't want them hanging all over me constantly.

I like to think that I have other interests and hobbies. That I have friends outside of my little world with 2 small people. While I'm not the modern mom who schleps her kids everywhere, I imagine that I go places that adult women go; like Starbucks, the mall and the salon for mani/pedis. Or to lunch with girlfriends.

Then something happens that causes a paradigm shift. A shift into reality.

I am a smother-mother.

We have a trip coming up in less than three weeks. Darrell and I will be gone from the kids for 3 and a half days. As I am typing this my heart is beating faster, my breath is becoming more labored. I am starting to panic. I CANNOT leave my children for this long. For several reasons.

1. I am a control freak of a mother. Which is the main reason why my son isn't doing preschool and one of the main reasons we've decided to homeschool. I just don't think anyone can mother my kids the way I can.


2. Others do no respect my kids' schedules like I do.


3. They're not going to be able to get Lilly to sleep enough and then she's going to be a bear, resulting in less sleep and a similar effect on her like-ability rating, which has a direct impact on my sanity. After 3 days of this downward spiral I am going to come home to a mess of a baby.


4. 3 days of indulgence with Duke (who knows exactly how far he can push buttons) is going to mean several days of increased militant parenting and probably several meetings with the spanky spoon. All to the soundtrack of a screaming, over-tired baby (see #3).


5. My children have not been away from me, in particular Lilly. When Duke was small, it seems I did get out more. Darrell's work schedule afforded me the option of meeting people in the evening or doing things that interested me. I recall pumping a lot, and washing bottles which tells me that there were many times I was not around (though I can't remember where I was; not surprising since I am not really sure where I am right now, let alone 2 years ago). Lilly has had hardly any bottles. I never pump. Partially because she eats less frequently, but mostly because I AM ALWAYS AROUND. I ALWAYS put her to bed. If I leave, it's for a quick errand while she's asleep. If Darrell and I go out (which is rare, let me tell you) we arrange to go after she's in bed. Which cuts our dates pretty short since I'm normally in bed by 9:30! The very few times that I have gone somewhere, particularly around the dinner/bed hour, I have received multiple calls for instructions, help, etc. What is going to happen when I am states away and can't come back to help?

I have found myself not making doctor's appointments when I probably need to, not meeting friends, not having a LIFE outside of my home because I want to have complete, ultimate control over my kids.

I need to get away from them for these 3 and a half days. Yes, I am going to be a wreck. But maybe it will give me the kick in the pants that I need to remind me that I am not the best mother on earth (well, I'm sorry but I believe I am the best mother for my kids). OK, maybe it will remind me that I need to have a life outside of them. Maybe it will teach me to be a little more open to accepting people's offer to help. To lighten up on my selection criteria for babysitters. To schedule time for myself, that doesn't include cleaning the house or working on baby books or photo sites.

Then again, I may spend all 3 days sleeping like a baby without the static, lights and small noises from 2 bedside monitors. Every mother knows that even when you're kids are quiet, safe and good sleepers that you only sleep so deeply just in case they need you. (I have once, in 28 months, been needed at night. Fact has no bearing on this behavior.) I may be so rested when we come back that I don't even care what state the kids are in.

Maybe. But I doubt it.